the man in the flashlight shoes

bert lansing fancied himself an inventor. he had won second place in the invention contest in fourth grade with a submission he called “turtle neck socks.” the idea was that if you got cold, you could roll the socks up higher, keeping you two degrees warmer. through his adulthood he came up with several inventions that never quite got off the ground. the "edible necktie” for businessmen on the go. the “sunglasses chin strap” guaranteed not to slip. but the one that had the most promise was the “flashlight shoes.” he had built a 12 volt demo in his garage but underestimated the power of the battery. the shoes worked great and seemd to be a hit until the young man he hired to test the shoes walked into a puddle and was given a severe shock. although no life-threatening damage occurred, from then on the boy could no longer remember the names of farm animals. bert’s last investor had given up on him, calling his inventions as useless as a horn on a helicopter. that’s when bert came up with his best idea yet, “the helicopter horn.” it was brilliant he thought. no longer would the pilots have to put themselves in danger by removing their hand from the flight stick to give the thumbs up sign. they could simply honk the horn. bert went to work on the idea with a passion. six months later he had a demo version ready and had gambled his family's entire life savings on the idea. he hired a pilot in a blackhawk helicopter to hover outside the office window of steven herring, the special projects manager of lockheed martin as he pitched the idea. all went according to plan until bert came to the part where he said “now if you will just take a look out your window sir, you will see what I mean.” and he jerked open the curtains. that was the signal for the pilot to honk the horn. the pilot hit the red button, but it wasn’t the horn. the tow missile fired from the helicopter with a loud “fwoooshh” and ripped into the side of the minnie pearl sight seeing tour bus across the street. the tow missile is designed to explode only after it penetrates the side of it's target, incinerating the occupants. unfortunately it worked perfectly. the explosion was incredible. all 32 passengers died, including three elderly witnesses who fell down dead with heart attacks at the dairy queen next door, still clutching their dairy dips. the nurse now pushes mr. lansing around the mossy farm nursing home where he sits all day staring into space. but sometimes, when an aircraft is heard overhead, bert stands up from his wheelchair and mumbles “beep beep...beep beep.”

6 comments:

Perfect Virgo said...

The edible necktie sounds rather tempting too. Mr sfwp, I notice you have re-coloured your template again. The current scheme puts me in mind of velvet curtains hanging in folds.

gulnaz said...

i want those flashlight shoes!

finnegan said...

although burt lansing's shoe idea was a jolting one, the helecopter horn had me jumping up and down in approval until the pilot hit the wrong button.
From there I knew all bets were off and I'd be Blackhawk-hovering inside the dairy dipping mind of the one and only Superflywebpimp. Bravo!

Queen Neetee said...

Pure entertainment! There is no better way to flavor a quiet Saturday afternoon than by eating a great lunch and reading the paragraph novels. Thank you Superflywebpimp!

lee said...

Good novel you wrote since it's your latest. Lots of drama and buildup throughout the story's passage.

mussolini said...

orgasmic to the very end :)