the luke warm kools of dr. simmons

cole’s hands trembled as he read the ransom note to billy, “we have your precious father dr. simmons, if you want to see him alive again, wait for our call.” billy burst into tears, “those bastards!” he sobbed. “pull yourself together billy!” cole commanded his younger brother, “you know damn well father wouldn’t let himself be taken without leaving us clues to his whereabouts!” “but what if he’s already dead!” “look billy” cole continued, “we can’t even think things like that yet, papa always told us to stay focused in times of trouble, and i’ll be damned if we’re going to fall apart now.” “we have to think like papa would think, what would father try to tell us billy? now go gather anything that might contain a clue!” the men spent the next hour combing the house and yard for any trace of evidence that might lead them to their dear father. doctor simmons had burst onto the scene several years ago with his groundbreaking study on luke hanson. his experiment was to finally put to rest the theory that people named luke were any more luke warmer than the rest of the non-luke named population. his conclusion was dead on the money. it had rocketed him to instant fame and fortune, drawing the attention of the world’s elite intellectual community. unfortunately, he also gained the attention of the ruthless guatemalan organization of nuclear arsenal destructionists, or g.o.n.a.d. as they were known and feared. dr. simmon’s sons laid out every possible clue they had amassed on the kitchen table. “okay, lets start with this candy wrapper, a hershey’s kiss.” “i don’t know I can’t think anymore!” billy said breaking down crying again. “damnit billy pull yourself together and think! what does this wrapper tell you?” billy wiped his eyes, “that…um, they took him to hershey pennsylvania?” “that’s it billy!” cole said. “now this cigarette butt you found in the backyard, what brand is it?” “kool?” “yes billy! and who is cooler than cool?” “um, michael jordan?” billy said sitting up, becoming more excited. “that’s right billy, and how many cigarettes come in a pack?” “24 i think” “excellent billy!” “now what does all this tell us?” “that they are holding papa 24 feet under ground in michael jordan’s back yard in hershey pennsylvania!” “bingo!” within an hour the boys were on a flight to hershey pennsylvania with every digging tool they could find in their father’s tool shed. later that evening, the phone rang and rang at the empty house of dr. simmons as the boys argued with a cab driver in downtown hershey, demanding they be taken to michael jordan’s house. “you idiots, he doesn’t live here!” amhad said as he opened the trunk of the cab and dumbed the duffle bags of garden tools on the sidewalk and sped off. no one ever saw dr. simmons again.

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